Raise your hand if you hate to negotiate. I mean, negotiate anything. Some of us will knock ourselves out to advocate for someone else, right? But when it comes to negotiating for us, we punk out. 

Why is that? Well for starters, as women we’ve been raised and socialized to not be pushy. If you’re a woman of faith, you’ve been told to wait on the Lord to deliver things to you. In the workplace, if you advocate for yourself you experience pushback. When I was negotiating salary at a past job, I had an HR executive tell me that I was doing too much in the job.

For many women, negotiating is our dragon, the thing we’ve always been afraid to do. But training your dragon can be done—and it’s key to getting the money and opportunities you deserve.

Step 1: Learn to get the money you deserve. Never leave it on the table.

Whether you’re negotiating in the context of a new job, a promotion, or a business opportunity, first and foremost—know the market. Do your research. What is the salary range for the industry, your skill set, and the position level. What do people at the senior vice president level make in your industry? What skills do those people have? For government positions, go online and look up pay bands and the salaries of people currently in that job. 

Never give a recruiter your salary requirements or your current salary. First of all, it’s against the law for them to ask about your current or past salary. Historically, that practice has helped perpetuate the pay gap for women and women of color. We’re paid less than men and we’ll never catch up if our next salary is based on our current one. 

So let me repeat: do not answer that question. Instead, say, “I’m excited about this opportunity. I’d like to learn more about the role before we get into salary.” Ask them what has been budgeted for the role. Don’t let a recruiter weed you out on the basis of salary. Hiring managers want the best people. Recruiters are the middlemen. If your resumé is compelling enough, the hiring manager will want to see you. Not giving your salary requirement will not disqualify you. 

If they keep pushing, go to your research: “I’ve done the research and this is the range for this type of position in this industry. What is your range?” Let them know that you understand the market.

Know how to deal with a “no.” Too often, we take “no” as the end of negotiations, and it’s not. If they come back and say, “no,” don’t get upset or disappointed. And don’t go in with an ultimatum unless you are prepared to walk out the door—because there are other things you can negotiate. If they refuse your salary request, look at the rest of the compensation package. What else is important to you? Time off, an investment in coaching or conferences, retirement, stock, equity, schedule flexibility, overseas opportunities? But you need to be prepared before you go in—know what else you want before you walk in the door.

If they tell you that they can’t pay you more than others are making, ask for a signing bonus. Signing bonuses aren’t reported in the same way that salaries are. Corporate executives in the top echelons commonly get hundreds of thousands of dollars in signing bonuses. They can give you a few thousand!  

Step 2: Don’t fall for the “high bar speech” when seeking stretch opportunities.

Women often get this speech. We’re told: “Well, you just need a little more experience.” “You’re not ready yet.” “Let’s get you some experience over here.” “Let’s rotate you through another department first.”

They raise the bar on us. 

Evidence-based research has shown what many of us already know. Women are hired and promoted based on what we’ve done. Men are hired and promoted based on their potential. This is why it’s critical that you know your value. And don’t confuse activities for outcomes. Working weekends and putting in 18-hour days is not value. You won’t get credit just for working insane hours. 

Negotiate over value, not activity. Look at what is core to your company’s success. Is it marketing? Government relations? Business development? Look for where your outcomes support the company’s core pillars. Did you make the company money? Did you save them money? Keep them out of regulatory trouble? That’s how you demonstrate your value.

If they still aren’t ready to give you that promotion or assignment, don’t walk away. What are some adjacent things you can get instead? Ask them to invest in certifications, training, or coaching for you. You can take certifications and knowledge with you to another job. If you can’t get the promotion, get what you need to score that position at another company.  And be sure to ask for a commitment to revisit your original request at a later date.

Again, you need to go in prepared. Be very clear on what constitutes a win for you.

Step 3: Practice negotiating on smaller stakes.

When you practice negotiating, what you’re really practicing is standing up for yourself. You’re practicing self worth and self value. So start small. Don’t wait until you have the big job on the line to practice. Practice on the little things. Ask for a discount when you’re shopping, for example. They may say ‘no.” And so what? You’re doing it to develop your courage, to get used to giving yourself permission to negotiate. To practice is to normalize a behavior for yourself. 

Don’t let fear of negotiation keep you from the professional and financial success you deserve. Train that dragon!

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